1000 Days of NON-Celibacy

One of Those Days

2012-02-05T12:14:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm currently having one of "those" days. It's one of those days where your boobs are saggy, your face is ugly and you feel like the most unattractive beast in the world. I thought breaking up with my boyfriend for being a douche would give me a feeling of accomplishment and self-worth, but instead, I find myself lonely and lamenting my decision. Now don't get me wrong, I know I made the right decision, I just wish I had made it after I had already found someone else.

To make matters worse, like it's not worse enough as it is, I had to email an ex to gain "closure" and, like always, it's never the closure you want to hear. You never hear "I'm sorry, Erin, I was an asshole. I didn't deserve you. And I left you because I'm a bottom feeding asshole who couldn't keep my dick in my pants." No, instead, it's around the lines of I realized I didnt like you for the long term and would have rather been friends. Oh really. Friends. I'm sorry, when's the last time you fucked a friend like that. Oh wait, I guess you fucked them one way or another. But I digress...

It's one of those days, where from the minute I woke up, I knew I was in the self-loathing mood. I wake up to being rejected by my ex - and a nice guy I had met at an event who was CLEARLY flirting with me. Evidently he had been flirting with everyone and my Rum Runner through me off of his game.

The worst part about this self-loathing mood which I've been in for days, is I'm really starting to doubt myself. I'm doubting if I really can meet someone who will love me for me - and not my business, sex or the money that they think I can give them. After every failed attempt at dating someone, I lose a little more hope everytime. Which is funny that I haven't last all hope yet, I must have had a lot to start out with.

I guess the more I am able to help others to find love, the more I feel like I am losing traction. I guess I'm meant to help others find love - and as for me, I better invest in a good set of cards and play some old maid...

Simple

2011-12-19T09:25:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, there's nothing more simple in life then just wanting someone who loves you.

Best Of You

2011-12-09T09:37:00.000-05:00

This is just one of those articles I feel like I have to write or I'm just going to explode, leaving my insides all over the computer screen. I've been watching 'The Break-Up' for days now as an attempt to get over my recent decision to end my latest relationship. I thought I was making decent progress - the crying had subsided and the ache in my stomach was nearly gone. Then last night happened.

I went out to a charge charity event last night. It's one of those pretentious shindigs where you dress up really fancy, drink lots of alcohol and make rude comments about what other people are wearing. Well, that's what people seemed to be doing anyways as my friend and I munched on the food from the free buffet. Somehow our conversation turned from other people's poor fashion sense to my recent breakup.

I think it's fair to say that breakups are never really easy. Well, they're not easy if you don't have a backup plan and another guy/girl waiting for you on the other end. My breakup was somewhat amicable, compared to my breakups of the past. However, there is one lingering issue that still continue to defeat me and lingers in my mind and prevents me from moving on.

He had someone else.

I'm sure many people will argue that there are many levels of "cheating." Some people say only sex is cheating. Others would say that a kiss is cheating. For me, cheating can be emotional. In fact, to me, emotional cheating is the worst kind of cheating. You can sleep with someone and never see them again - but the emotional bond when formed with a "close friendship" is the most dangerous form of cheating.

I knew that with him starting medical school and carpooling with one other girl didn't sit right in my stomach, but I figured to have a healthy relationship I had to trust him. I had to set aside my own personal baggage and trust that the guy I was dating was unlike the garbage I had dated in the past. Besides, he assured me I had nothing to worry about and he seemed head over heels for me.

Over time, as our relationship began to decline, I would notice him mentioning her more and more. Dropping her name in casual conversation, talking about her in class. He later told me that in the next semester in school they'd be spending days together at the hospital. I silently cried, I think deep down I knew but I couldn't accept it - I mean, afterall, she had a boyfriend - could anything really be going on?

Unfortunately in reality my boyfriend talked to a lot of women. I would laugh and say he was more like a woman then a man - he was a gossip and a flirt. I don't remember a night where he didn't send a text to another woman. Of course he assured me that all the women he spoke to were only friends - but when do you draw the line and say enough is enough - when you're with me, you're with me.

I realize, as I'm writing this I'm kicking myself.

I suppose I should have known early on that his socializing would be a problem. Having just come from an earlier relationship where he left me for a 'friend' I knew that I would have a hard time accepting his behavior. But I really tried. I tried to accept that he needed to talk to these women for whatever reason, but the more he talked to them, the less he wanted to talk to me.

Eventually I couldn't hide my frustration anymore - his behavior combined with an overall lack of respect and sensitivity just made me feel disgusting. Within a matter of months almost everything that I had liked about him had slipped away. I was hanging onto memories of what he was and not what he is now.

So why am I so upset? If our relationship was so awful, then I shouldn't care that it's over. Well, I do wish it was that easy. I think I'm in morning for the man I met in the beginning - and the man who might be making someone else very happy event though he gave up on me. It just hurts me to think that the reality of the situation is that he'll end up with one of those girls he had emotional affairs with. He'll seduce her with stories about how mean of a girlfriend I was and she'll consule him by telling him that I didn't deserve him. They'll start dating and he'll woo her, bringing her home to the family - pretending that everything is perfect and right again. All the while, in the background, I cant help but feel like, dare I say it - a victim.

But let's be realistic - I'm not a victim - I'm just a fool that held on to a failing relationship, believing that things would work out. This isn't the first time I've been a fool and unfortunately it wont be my last. I guess I only hope that he treats his new girl(s) the way he treated me. I hope he calls them his 'piggy bank' and refuses to share a bed with them. I hope he makes them feel as little as he made me feel. Maybe then, I wont feel so bad that he had my replacement lined up the entire time.

Thanks...

Fear

2011-10-04T22:16:00.000-04:00

My god. There is nothing scarier then the real thing.

Comfort

2011-09-23T09:18:00.002-04:00

When you stay in a relationship only because it's comfortable and you know your significant other is staying in it for love - you're allowing your significant other to live a lie.

Too Little Too Late

2011-09-21T07:32:00.004-04:00

"Tell me, why do men realize what an amazing and beautiful person you are AFTER they've left you and broken your heart?"

~ Me

Rub a Dub Dub

2011-09-14T17:10:00.001-04:00

"It's a bad moment when you realize that you have a bottle of shampoo that's outlasted your last relationship..."

~ Me

Nightmare

2011-09-08T12:52:00.002-04:00

My life is resembling the Twilight Zone more and more everyday. There will be a party where three of my exes will be in attendance. Someone wake me up from this nightmare...

Snoop

2011-09-05T17:03:00.003-04:00

Thou shalt not snoop on old pictures of your new boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.

Want

2011-09-01T15:31:00.000-04:00

"It's easy to say you want a relationship when you don't have one. It's when you get one, and what you do with it, that really matters."

~ Me

Lose Yourself

2011-08-30T22:04:00.000-04:00

Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn't care about losing you.

The Key

2011-08-24T17:54:00.000-04:00

"The key to a mans heart is food and indifference."

~ Me

Warning

2011-08-16T11:32:00.000-04:00

I wish men came with warning labels:

WARNING: May freak out under pressure and want to sleep with barwhores.

Classy

2011-08-16T11:04:00.000-04:00

Yeah, its NOT classy to cut your ex out of a photo (that they took of you) to use to pick up other women. ^%%$$# DOUCHE.

Crazy

2011-08-15T09:04:00.000-04:00

‎"Instead of just writing someone off as 'crazy,' maybe we should all look back on past relationships to see what we could have done to make someone go crazy."

Expectations

2011-08-13T12:41:00.002-04:00

"For once, I would like to find someone who defies my expectations."

Resentment

2011-08-11T09:43:00.002-04:00

“Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.”

–Ann Landers

Divorce

2011-08-09T08:07:00.003-04:00

"Dating a guy who's in the process of divorce is like buying a car with an unclean title. Too much work and a high chance of getting screwed."

Post-Breakup Recovery

2011-07-15T15:22:00.000-04:00

So it's been about 5 days since my breakup with Mr. Safe. I used to call him Mr. Possibility, but we all know after the breakup they are demoted and given an appropriate nickname. By calling him Mr. Safe I'm actually being quite kind, I could have chosen from a plethera of other names such as Mr. Co-Dependent, Mr. Indecisive and Mr. Baggage.

Each day that goes by I keep asking myself - when am I going to start feeling better? When am I going to stop caring? And more importantly, when am I going to stop thinking about all the good times we had together.

You see, normally when I go through a breakup it's because the guy is being a total dick for a long period of time and I pushed him to do the leaving - or he went insane. In this case, though he did go relatively insane, we wasn't a dick most of the time - well, anymore then I was a bitch. I would say that 80% of the time, he was very good to me. The difficult part is, did he think the same about me?

When you have nothing but good memories and thoughts about your ex, it makes it harder to move on. You doubt that those memories and thoughts can be recreated and that he can be replaced - at least without a overwhelming and exhausting amount of effort and heartbreak in the process.

As an effort to fill the void and to get over him - since he's spent so little time getting over me - I decided to join an online dating site. Yes, I know, I still hate them, but I'm desperate for human interaction, okay? I joined three days ago, careful to word my profile appropriately and use the best pictures for maximum compliment receptivity. Like I thought, within 24 hours my inbox was overflowing with compliments and obscure messages. For the first time in days I actually felt...wanted and attractive.

Then I started responding and that's where the problems started.

I sorted the 30 messages down to a solid 10. I focused on corressponding with those men, seeing if there was potential to ever meet them in real life. I'm always very clear to tell them I'm just out of a relationship and looking for friends first - for what it's worth. After a lengthy conversation with one guy - who looks like a cross between two men I already dated - I decided to give him my number. Two days go by, no text and no call. Hmmmm.

For those of you who don't already know, when a girl gives you her number - either online or in person - that means you have a window of 24 to 48 hours to call or text her. If you do not, you're filed under 'not that into her.' So, after 48 hours and after a post-breakup bitchy spell, I decided to send a innocent message to the dating applicant who had went AWOL.

"Uh oh! Online dating fail! Don't you know you're supposed to text a girl within 48 hours when she gives you her number ;-) Have a Happy Wednesday!"

I thought it was innocent enough. But then I dont seem to be the model of sensitivity these days. The response?

"Dating fail. Aren't girls not supposed to look like needy little bitches..."

I believe my mouth dropped open as I read. I started to remember why I had grown to hate online dating. I hadn't even started dating the guy and he's an arrogant douche. NEXT!

So I've cultivated conversations with four other guys. One, unfortunately, I had to cease conversation with today because of him having a child and ex wife. I felt incredibly guilty, but at the same time, I saved us both the trouble of ceasing communication now verses later. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like children, I don't like mothers - and he's not a widow - so you figure it out.

So yes, here I am, trying hard to get over yet another geeky guy that I "gave a chance." I keep hearing from my friends that I need to change my dating habits, but honestly, the more I hear it, the more I think that line is a load of BS. I've dated nice guys, bad guys, mean guys, ugly guys, hot guys and average guys. They all end the same way. Assholes.

Maybe it's not about having a certain "type" - maybe it's about how you act instead. Or maybe it's about luck. Good ol' fashioned almost got hit by a bus luck.

In the case of dating luck, I think I got it bad.

Back to the drawing board...

Surprise! You've Won a One-Way Ticket to Singlesville!

2011-07-12T17:36:00.000-04:00

Skydiving Trip for Your BF's Birthday: $200.
Romantic Jordan Lake Boat Cruise: $30.
The Look on Your BFs face (after he dumps you) when you tell him about his surprise Birthday Party? Priceless.

Douche.

Beautiful

2011-06-01T07:15:00.000-04:00

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

~ Unknown

Suck-Ness

2011-05-26T12:19:00.007-04:00

"I Suck at Love. It's not fair, if I'm affectionate and giving then men don't want me anymore because I'm not a 'challenge,' if I'm not affectionate and giving then they get mad and insecure"

Scots Are Doin' it Right

2011-05-16T17:50:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to give a shoutout to my #1 fan in Scotland. Woot!
PS: Stay tuned, I'm currently working on the sequel to my first book - it will be released on February 14th, 2012.

Firewire

2011-05-03T10:26:00.000-04:00

"You better shut up before I tie you to the bed with my firewire cables and shove a mousepad in your mouth. What? I'm a geek too..."

~ Me

Bigfoot

2011-04-18T10:59:00.001-04:00

"I'm in a happy, normal relationship.
I've never seen one of those. It's like bigfoot."

Happy

2011-04-05T00:30:00.007-04:00

"I guess what I'm just asking from you,
is to give me a chance to make you happy"

My First Book Signing!

2011-04-02T08:54:00.004-04:00

1000 Days of Celibacy: A Race Against the Cockatoo is available through Amazon.com, Lulu.com and BarnesandNoble.com! Thank you to all my fans, friends and family who joined me for this amazing night!

Remember, Screw You Cockatoo!

Go Italia!

2011-04-01T09:03:00.000-04:00

Sending some love to my #1 Fan in Italy!
Woooooooooot!
'Screw You, Cockatoo' is gonna become a slogan allllllllllll around the world ;-)

Balance

2011-03-31T12:56:00.001-04:00

Sigh, dating requires such a delicate balance between playing hard to get and being sweet...

Bad Mojo

2011-03-20T20:40:00.000-04:00

‎"You've lost your Mojo and it’s because you're about to OD on dating. Your friends will find you laying on the side of your bed, drooling, covered in restaurant receipts and phone numbers. "

~ Me

Epic Second Date Fail

2011-03-16T00:23:00.000-04:00

I just got home from a date with a guy that I had really enjoyed spending time with. Unfortunately it didn't go as planned. Here's some of the failures to avoid when dating.

Date Fail #1 - Bringing your friend on our second date. Granted you were supposed to take him to the airport - but that's IN THE MORNING. Now I have to entertain someone who lacks the "gentleman" and "shut-up" gene. Get about 10 drinks in him and he starts picking a fight with me in the car. Really?

Date Fail #2 - When showing me your new phone there's only two names listed under recent calls - mine and another girls. Come to find out the other woman is your "supposed" ex-girlfriend. Game Over, Douche.

Date Fail #3 - You act like you're either (a) Disinterested, (b) Tired or (c) Sedated. You don't even flirt with me anymore, WTF?

Date Fail #4 - After refusing to drive you and your drunken friend to the Strip Club, you take off (driving drunk) in your truck - leaving me home alone without so much as a 'Thank You' or 'Goodbye.'

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I will NEVER date another marine.

Running Wild

2011-03-15T09:27:00.005-04:00

Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them."

- Sex in the City

Picket Fence

2011-03-14T12:41:00.000-04:00

"I totally want that house with a picket fence and a family and shit...lately I've settled for a rental with chainlink and a couple emotionally abusive assholes here and there" ~ Me

The Only Thing to Fear

2011-03-08T20:02:00.003-05:00

A writer once said, a great writer writes about what scares them the most.

Given the topic of my columns, I wonder if I can start to assume that I have what it takes to be a "great" writer.

I went on a date last Saturday with a really great guy and we found the conversation navigating toward the topic of first dates. Appropriately enough, it was our first date as well - but we found it more entertaining to talk about our other first dates.

"What's the worst first date you've ever had?" I asked him, with a gleam in my eye. Sure I was curious to know what his experiences were like, but I'm also doing research for my new book and hey - every little bit counts!

He smiled, took a deep breath and stirred his drink with his straw.

"Oh boy, where do I begin...Um, which one do you want?" He said, smiling.

I raised my eyebrow. "Dating's that bad, huh?"

"Well, let's just say (insert name of shitty date site) has sent me some really interesting girls..." he said.

I smile. "Okay, just tell me about the worst one."

He proceeded to tell me about his first date with, let's call her Amy. First off, Amy was 45 minutes late to dinner. When she finally did arrive, she was about 20lbs heavier and 5 years older then her online dating picture reflected. He goes on to tell me that over dinner she entertained him by telling him stories ranging from her breast reduction to how she slept with a very ugly actor, whom she called (and I quote) a "Double Bagger."

When my date said double bagger, I do believe I spit a mouthful of water onto the table. Not sexy, but it was a funny moment, none-the-less.

"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa - your date called the guy she fucked a "double bagger?" I said, trying to stop laughing.

"Yeah..."

I smile, wondering if he's ready to hear some of my stories about my shameful relationships and dates gone awry. He looks at me - "So I bet you've encountered lots of bad first dates, I mean, your book is about dating right?" he says.

I think I started turning three shades of red.

"Well, ya know, funny enough I haven't had too many bad first dates. The problems aren't in the beginning of dating - the problems come towards the end of the relationship...and usually in a very funny fashion." I say.

He looks at me intrigued. "How So?"

I look at him, thinking...should I give him the short, non-emotional abridged version of my book? Maybe if I breeze through the short form of my traumatic dating life then he will skip that whole awkward "wanting to read my book" phase.

"Weeeeellllll, where do I begin? So I was celibate for over 3 years, right? After that period I dated one guy that went to jail - accidentaly of course. In fact, I ended my celibacy with him...and never saw him again. Oh, and then there was the guy that was diagnosed with a severe and deadly neurological disorder he found out only after we just broke up. Then another guy cheated on me, knocked up the girl then married her. And now the more recent one, he had a complete mid-life crisis and left me to go hike the Appalachian trail. He may or may not be eaten by a bear."

I shrug. At this point my date has stopped eating his meal and is looking at me blankly. I smile.

"Well, I like to think I'm pretty normal...considering...oh, and did I mention my last boyfriend proposed to me with a pie?"

My date takes a gulp of his food. I'm starting to think maybe I should have given it some time between my last relationship and this first date. Oh well, if he can't handle me now, he can't handle me later.

He sets down his burger and looks at me. Oh boy, here it comes.

"See...it's stories like that..." I cringe. "That make me want to apologize on behalf of every guy out there."

What? Really?

"I mean, I thought I had it bad, but you - oh man, I feel guilty, my problems are nothing compared to what you went through." he says.

I was speechless. I wished the waitress would have just walked by and slapped me across the face and said 'Talk bitch, that's a compliment."

"Ah, well, it's situations like that which make you a better writer. No one likes happy people, happy stories don't sell books."

He laughs and we go back to our regular first date conversations.

Going back to the first line I wrote, "a writer once said, a great writer writes about what scares them the most." I always assumed that my biggest fear was dating, the act of getting to know someone and exploring the unknown. But in reality, it's not dating I'm afraid of - it's what happens after dating - love.

It's not a matter of being afraid to be in love, it's a matter of losing love. It's a feeling of failure. Whomever wrote "it is better to have loved and lost then to have never have loved at all" quite frankly seems to have a fear of being alone. To me, it should be re-written to read "Tis' better to have never loved, then have your heart put through a blender." Granted, mine is not as poetic - remember, I'm of the Facebook, Twitter and Android phone age - but still, you have a clear idea of my point.

I suppose in a way, in that moment of talking about my "past" with my date, it made me realize how much stronger of a person I've become from those terrible experiences. I have every right to be a crazy, neurotic, man-hating bitch - I know most men think I am - but I'm only half as crazy and neurotic as I should be. It's true, ask my shrink.

The point is, even though your heart might feel like a volleyball being smacked from side to side, you have to remember that those experiences mold you into a better (and more interesting person). Cliche, yeah, I know. When someone told me that last year I'm pretty sure I said something mean enough to make them cry. But remember, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger - and angry enough to write books about dating.

Now I have to go buy an outfit for the second date - woot! I made first cut!

Cheers.

Well Isn't Irony a Bitch

2011-03-07T07:29:00.000-05:00

On March 5th, I went on a first date and hiked a local trail.

On March 5th, my ex-boyfriend started hiking the Appalachian Trail.

IRONY FAIL.

If Ya Can't Beat'em

2011-02-26T09:52:00.000-05:00

"If you can't beat'em, arrange for them to be beaten..."
~ Me

Psychology Today: Too Much Miscommunication in Your Relationship? A Simple Fix

2011-02-24T12:41:00.000-05:00

An interesting find on PsychologyToday.com

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201102/too-much-miscommunication-in-your-relationship-simple-fix

Erin Go Braugh

2011-02-14T10:13:00.001-05:00

::Insert Angry, Frustrated Blog Here::

If You Don't Love Me Let me Go

2011-02-02T20:47:00.000-05:00

"I am a writer, a writer of fictions. I am the heart that you call home. I have written pages, upon pages, trying to rid you from my bones." ~ Decemberists

Quote of the Night

2011-02-01T17:59:00.001-05:00

"Sorry (insert guy's name here), you tapped into the angry, honest Erin. There's no turning back. Protect your balls and start running."

The Hindsight List

2011-01-26T16:56:00.001-05:00

All of the best self-help books will tell you that after a break-up you're supposed to make a list of all the things you hated about your ex. Of course the logic behind it is so when your ex comes crawling back (they always do, eventually) you can look at that list and it will give you the courage to turn him/her down. Or it will give you some glimmer of hope in thinking that your breakup was a blessing in disguise. Whichever the case was, in the middle of my shower I just got the urge to write about everything about my recent ex that just pisses me off.

I suppose the want for me to write this "Hindsight List" came from the the thoughts in my mind that swirled after receiving this article. It's contents aren't exactly a surprise, but seeing that someone actually took the time to research the theory and gave additional evidence is making me think that an early on-set of mid-life crisis' in men is more common then we realize.

Anyways, onto the ex boyfriend bashing. If you don't mind, I will be bashing my ex in the form of an angry letter. Please see below.

Dear K.

I must admit when we first met I really wasn't THAT into you. In fact, it wasn't until about the third date that I started to get feelings for you. Well, cross that, really it wasn't until you seemed to be falling head over heels for me that I thought 'What the Heck, Let's Give This a Shot.' There were a lot of things that you did when we were together that drove me crazy but I looked the other way. I realize now I should have listened to my feelings and this is why...

It annoyed me that you dropped a joke about getting a blowjob on the third date. Funny, that was the first time I saw a sliver of personality from you. Shame I never got any "favors" in return.

It bothered the hell out of me that you revealed three months later that you had a "germ phobia" that restricted you from doing certain things in the bedroom. Gee, that could have been mentioned around week 3.

It bothered me immensely that you had the bad habit of "falling asleep" and not returning my phone calls or following through with plans. Even the day of my birthday you "fell asleep" and didn't come over for dinner like we had discussed.

It bothered me that in the beginning you couldn't wait to talk to me - then one month into dating I can't get you to initiate a conversation none-the-less call or text me.

It bothered me that on our fifth date, when we went on a trip together, you insisted that I pick up your tab and pay for your end of a tip because you "left your ATM card at home." Yes, you did eventually pay me back, but I ended up looking like your personal ATM.

It bothered me that you would stay up until 3 AM and insist on sleeping in until 1 PM - half my day is gone by then, thanks.

It bothered me that you would insist on getting trashed everytime we visited your friends house. When you got trashed it resulted in another night without sex and another morning of you doing nothing but sleeping.

It bothered me that you would rather cuddle then have sex. And you told me that. That REALLY bothered me.

It bothered me that you had the sex drive of a 90 year old man. I would think that you were cheating, but I honestly don't think you have the drive for it if you wanted to.

It bothered me that you'd rather blow $1000 on a TV for your brother but you never bought me anything shiny.

It bothered me that you said 'Thank You, Baby' when I told you I loved you.

It bothered me that you never let me speak to your brother or relay the message when I told you to tell him I said hello.

It bothered me that you thought I was wasting my time when I tried to buy a home for my parents.

It bothered me that you would get annoyed when I spent time with my friends and family.

It bothered me that you didn't WANT to spend time with my friends or family.

It bothered me when you called my dog an abomination - joke or not, he's the cutest puppy ever.

It bothered me when you called me 'preggers' just for fun. Thanks. It wasn't easy explaining that one to people.

It bothered me that you used to piss int he toilet, not flush, then piss in the same pool of piss again hours later.

It bothered me when you tried to dance. No, you're not a chick - guys don't "get low."

It bothered me that you rarely talked about the future - and when you did, well, it turned out to be a lie.

It bothered me that you never talked about the past - was it out of fear that I would figure out who you really were?

It bothered me that you told me about your "activities" as a child. Had I known all of that earlier it certainly would have changed things.

It bothered me that spending time with "your friends" was more important then spending time with mine. Thanks to you I don't have many.

It bothered me that you only could fit me into your schedule one day a week. Thanks.

It bothered me that you had the sensitivity of an android.

It bothered me that you had no problem proposing to someone else, but the thought of proposing to me sent you on a trip to the Appalachian trail.

It bothered me that you proposed with a pie.

It bothered me that you kept your Match.com and OkCupid accounts open until I asked you to take them down. Twice.

It bothered me that I had to initiate "the talk."

It bothered me that you brought me flowers then told me you didn't see us as anything "long term."

It bothered me that you had to use your friends to contact me and didn't have the balls to do it yourself. Chickenshit.

It bothered me and still bothers me that I wasn't enough.

That is all.

In Dating

2011-01-25T14:55:00.000-05:00

In Dating, No One Can Hear You Scream.
Except Your Neighbors...Oops.

Love at First Bite

2011-01-20T22:28:00.003-05:00

I don't usually consider myself to be one of those "hopeless romantic" people. I don't really believe in love at first sight and still have a hard time wrapping my head around that whole soul mate idea, but I'm telling you tonight has really got me thinking.

Tonight is a night like many others in my life - I have a business meeting to check out a new event and venue for my singles company - a cooking class at an up and coming little organic market. I walk in and meet the owner, crack a few jokes about the name of my company (Master Dater) and take my seat at the table.

As I sip from my glass of water I watch the younger man (younger like late 20's, early 30's) prepping the cheese and cracker trays. He looks up and me and nods, smiling - I smile back. No big fireworks. He passes out the trays to the other tables then returns to clean up a few remaining jars at the table - that's when he strikes up a casual conversation with me. Somehow the conversation leads to him taking me out to the back of the venue to show me a beautiful view of the Raleigh skyline below. He tells me about his plans for the market/restaurant - I inquire as to what his job at the market is - he tells me he's the manager.

I'm intrigued, good job? Check.

I compliment him on his plans with the venue - and given the location and the view - I think they will do rather well if they advertise correctly. I then ask him what he did prior to this gig - he proceeds to tell me that he's a jack of all trades - very much like me.

We are mid-conversation when I re-emerge into the main teaching area which is now full of students. He tells me to enjoy the class, I thank him, thinking he'll be sticking around after the class.

Unfortunately after the class he was no where to be found, already leaving for the night.

On my ride home I started thinking, well damn, I didn't even get his name - I didn't check for a ring - but there's something, something very...strange...I feel inside me. Maybe it's just my imagination - but have you ever had a moment where you met someone and you and them just, well, clicked?

Well, that was me and Frank.

Of course I'm sure it will turn out to be nothing and this will be just another guy that I feel a connection with that turns out to be married or emotionally unavailable - but sometimes a girl likes to dream about that serendipity meeting.

The good news is, I have some events I scheduled with them - because as you know, business is always better with an ulterior motive :)

Cheers!

Too Many Fish in the Sea

2011-01-17T13:48:00.003-05:00

When a city is ranked #5 in the country as 'One of the Best Places for Dating' then you would think that being a single in that city is a good thing. I used to think that until a eye opening girls night out conversation with me and some friends last night.

When I originally moved to North Carolina I had envisioned that I would be moving to a slower paced lifestyle, meeting people with stronger morals who had a want to settle down and life a happy simple life. Well shoot, after the past two years I should have just stayed in Miami, at least there I knew I could classify men into two categories - players or gay.

Living in the triangle area of North Carolina (as a young professional) is like being a single fish in a school of THOUSANDS. Yes, your chances of meeting someone are high, but the chances of holding onto them are lower then the chances of my ex surviving his hike through the Appalachian trail.

It's safe to say that in a city where dating is especially easy, it makes your odds of getting a commitment twice as hard. According to some online research, in the county that I reside in, per 100 single women there are 79 single men. So that's essentially 21 single women who are S-O-L. I guess I've become a statistic, hmm...

Add to the situation the fact that the vast majority of people in the area engage in online dating and you have an endless supply of dates at your disposal - just a click of a mouse and a couple quick messages get you a new date. I suppose that's great if you are looking for casual dating or a one-night-stand but terrible if you're looking for someone which whom to build a life with.

My friends and I realized last night that many people, not pointing fingers but many men are guilty of this, are playing the "one up" or "I-can-do-better" game. They date multiple people, constantly dumping them in hopes that the next one will be even better. Gone are the days of finding someone who makes you happy and sticking with them. It's been my experience that the one-up game will continue until one of the following happens: (a) hit late thirties (b) start seriously losing their hair (c) knock someone up - only through one of these scenarios will a man decide to marry whomever they are with at the time.

For many men (not all, but many) it's not about love, it's about timing. It's about feeling that they did the best that they can do and it's time to settle before they end up alone. I'm sure I sound pretty harsh but I've come to this conclusion after dating down here for two years, hearing stories of other locals and seeing my guy friends play the game firsthand. I'm starting to realize that dating is a game that's awfully hard to win if the odds aren't in your favor.

I guess the question is now, do I jump back in the game despite the overwhelming number of competition out there - or maybe wait for a new arrival - someone who just moved here from, say, Alaska. No ideas, but I will tell you this, I've gotta hit the gym and start working on my, er, bait.

Cheers!

Hello Meltdown

2011-01-15T11:34:00.008-05:00

As I'm writing this I'm having an inner meltdown. Not even 20 minutes ago I get this email in my inbox, subject line 'We Miss You.'

"Hey Erin,

I just wanted to keep in touch with you. I hope you are doing well. We still want to continue our friendship and get together with you. We really like you very much Erin. Please keep in touch."

The sender of this email is a good mutual friend of me and my recent ex. Following the email came a Facebook friend request from her which I accepted. Then I saw the photos of HIM - that's when the meltdown started.

It's safe to say that after a breakup there's a period of time that you need to recover - a time that you need absolutely no contact with him, no knowledge of what he's doing and essentially you need to think that he's packed up his bags and moved far, far away from you to some other country, preferably pining over you and the mistakes he's made for the rest of his pathetic life.

What you don't want to see is pictures of him partying with your mutual friends only 3 blocks (conservatively) from your house.

FAIL.

I shouldn't have been surprised by the pictures I saw, but considering that we broke up because he was "supposedly" going to move they did feel like a sucker punch to both my stomach and my ego. So what did I do? I did the adult, responsible thing...I explained to her that although I would love to be FB friends, at this time I am not ready to see ANY pictures of him - either past or present and I would have to add her on FB after a decent amount of time has passed.

I think my response was fair - but what is left swirling in the back of my mind is what has my heart tied into knots.

What if he's trying to get me back?

Yeah, it's the scenario that every girl dreams about - it's the model used for every romantic comedy - couple falls in love, couple breaks up, couple gets back together. However, in real life, when couples break up it's usually for a good reason - and if they do get back together it doesn't always end up with a happy ending.

I suppose what angers me the most is that if he is trying to get me back - he's not the one making the effort - he's using his friends to reach out to me and he's not lifting a finger. Typical, sounds like him. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him or think about him, but with each day that passes my sadness dims and anger takes it's place. How dare he not contact me. How dare he not give me closure. How dare he not apologize for humiliating me. How dare he let me live a lie for 5 months. When I saw his picture I didn't know how to feel - I felt a mixture of sadness and anger. I just want to slap him more then anything else I suppose.

This is why when you break up with someone you should sever ALL ties to them. Then ignorance is truly bliss. You are free to write your own end to the story, imagine him knocking up a bar whore and forced into marriage (in my past it turned out to be true) but the point is you can choose whatever ending makes you feel better.

In the case of my ex I assumed he was hiking the Appalachian trail and we eaten by a bear. Funny, yet poetic. Now I see pictures of him practically in my backyard and I'll be looking over my shoulder for his car for a chance to ram it if I see it - kidding...kinda.

Honestly, writing right now is the only way I can process and deal with this situation. I had a ton of things to do this morning but they've been replaced with mild panic attacks and constantly checking my email for a response from my friend.

I keep asking myself - if he comes back, what are you going to do? And if you meet your friends somewhere and he "accidently" shows up, what then? I'd probably run out like prey evading a predator. All I would have to do is see his scruffy face and there will be a me-sized dust-trail toward the door.

Ah love. When it's good it's so good, and when it's bad you want to hike the appalachian trail and hope to get eaten by a bear.

Cheers.

I Put the Bad in Bad Girl

2011-01-13T21:50:00.003-05:00

I put the "Bad" in Bad Girl, but not in a good way. I think that many of you agree that there is nothing more shameful then a bootycall. Well, there is one thing, and that's if you get turned down for a chance to have a bootycall. Let me explain...

I went out to the city tonight to try high speed go-cart racing for the first time - it was a blast, and I even did better when I imagined at the end of every curve was an ex crossing the street. Kidding! Anyways, I was out in the city and my mind started to wander - after the racing that is. I'm within twenty minutes away from a possible booty call. Granted, it's only been a month since my ex and I broke up so it's not like I'm begging for it - but right now it could be a welcome distraction from my all too empty dating reality.

So I texted him. He doesn't get out of work until 9. I figure by the time I wrap up the gocarts and get in his neck of the woods it should be 930ish.

WRONG.

I hopped on the road and got to his area at 8:55. Boo. Big Boo. I texted him and told him I'm in the area.

"I'm working!" he replies.

I look at my phone, seeing that it's starting to die - kind of like my hopes of ever finding a man who's able to commit. I tell him I'm in the area and it's now or never. He suggests we do this another day.

Perhaps he doesn't realize how bootycalls with me work. I don't work on a set schedule. I can't all of a sudden be in the mood on Tuesday and hate him less. As I expected, he said he couldnt meet me - through text - as I sat in his work parking lot.

Well ain't karma a bitch. My intent was to purely use this man for one thing on his body - one thing that's not great to begin with - but beggars can't be choosers and I get flat out turned down.

Hi ego, I'll pick the pieces of you off the ground tomorrow.

In other news a really cute Indian guy asked me out for drinks tonight and what did I do? I ran the fuck away. Yup, that's right. I ran when confronted with the thought or idea of going on a date. Me thinks there's some issues from my recent breakup I'm not dealing with...

Oh well, this glass of wine holds all the answers to my problems. Till tomorrow, maybe I'll find out my ex is getting married and someone will punch me in the face. Hurrah!

Barren

2011-01-12T12:59:00.001-05:00

"Running a dating company when single is
like being a barren nurse in the maternity ward."

~ Me

Ah, The Sweet Aroma of a Challenge

2011-01-04T18:52:00.000-05:00

"You Having Fun?"

The text message came in somewhere between my second and third rum runner. Despite how much the room was spinning, I knew I didn't want to hear from him. The "him" I'm referring to would be Mr. Limpy - his name earned from a memorable (but not in a good way) bedroom romp before he later dumped me due to "not feeling the way he should."

He sends the message again, not yet hearing my response.

"Are You Having Fun?"

I look at the message, fascinated with why he's contacting me after only days before he tells me he has no romantic interest in me. I turn to my friend, he tells me to talk to him. I finish off my third rum runner and open up the keyboard to my phone. Hell, it's New Years Eve - I miss my ex and generally angry at men - why not take it out on this poor bastard?

"Im. Trashed...yes I am"

It took a whole five minutes for me to tap out that simple sentence.

"Haha, I bet!"

I look at my phone, wondering, again, why the hell he's contacting me. Eh, who cares, let's toy with him.

"Come to Ru.m Runners pussy"

Of course his response will be no or something to that respect, loser.

"Lol"

Just Lol? What the hell is that? I just told you to meet me at a bar and I'm DRUNK. You didn't take the bait? What a douche - I'll teach him not to give into my drunken comeons.

"That's what I thought wuss texting me when you have no interest"

Yeah, that'll show him. Wait. Show him that I'm hurt that he's not interested, D'oh! His response?

"Oh, be quiet :)"

Smiley face? Fuck you.

"What? I'm right, you know it. Make up your mind dork. Both u and i know ur all about the chas3."

Well damn, I almost made it through a whole sentence without giving a sign that I'm drunk off my ass.

"Lol, oh brother"

Stop with the LOL's asshole! I want answers - NOW - when I'm drunk and capable of dealing with the rejection.

"Ur a player and u and I know it"

Boom. That's what I've been wanting to say for 5 months. PLAYER.

"Nope, too busy for it and you know it"

What the hell? That's what ALL the players say.

"Whatever dude, make up ur mind. I'm at (insert hotel name here) in Raleigh. Nuff said"

I waited for a response for 15 minutes then turned my phone off - just in time to watch the ball drop and welcome in the New Year. Hopefully my first morning/night of the 2011 won't be a reflection of the year to come as I spent most of it throwing up and sleeping in a hotel bathtub. The good news is I suppose I didn't celebrate New Years, alone, in the corner of my house downing bottles of cheap champagne to mask the pain...kidding?

The next day at around 4 pm a text message comes in.

"Get any action last night? Lol"

Fucker. The only action I got was my head in a toilet all night but I'm certainly not going to tell this prick that.

I decide not to give into his asshole game. I don't respond.

January 2nd - 8 pm, I get another message.

"Have a Good New Years?"

At this point I'm starting to feel guilty. He's asking if I had a good New Years - what's the asshole motive behind that? Then I think back to the three hours of therapy I had to pay for when he told me he wanted to be exclusive then dumped me via text the next day.

I opt not to respond.

Today, January 4th at 12:34 PM he sends me another text.

"Wa Wa Wao"

Nice. He's using inside jokes to get my attention. He's getting desperate and I'm kind of enjoying this. Is this how guys feel when I used to text them - like they're in control? Well screw that, I'm going to blatantly ignore men more often. I still must admit that I'm not sure the intent behind these texts, I've pretty much labeled them as a asshole guy's lame attempt to keep himself occupied from boredom - but sure I would love to think they MEANT something.

But there I am, a month into the breakup with my former Mr. Possibility and starting to realize that hey, I think this breakup is for real. Unfortunately for him I think it will take him 3 months to figure that out...To occupy my time I've signed up for a gym membership that I plan on using to both get in ridiculously sexy shape and to flirt with random men to make me feel like less of a beast. Also, I've devoted my time to my singles event company in hopes of distracting myself from my oh so familiar reality.

Anyways, that's a true story I wanted to share with you - the texts were just grabbed from my phone and I thought you would enjoy that little window into my world.

Until next time!

I Want You to Want Me

2010-12-29T20:53:00.001-05:00

Well here I sit in bed. Tears streaming down my face. I told myself I wouldnt cry over him again. I cried over him once, it took me weeks to recover, but here I am, at it again. But when I really think about it I'm not really crying because of him - I'm crying because of the hopeless situation that I'm in.

If insanity is defined as repeating the same pattern and expecting a different outcome then couldnt dating be defined as insane?

I've been non-stop dating for 4 years. Each time I date it has a terrible outcome. So in theory, the act of dating and hoping that there will be a positive outcome, can be seen as insane.

Well, that's how I feel it should be seen right now.

Dating is a game that men have home advantage. They hold the cards for deciding who wins and who loses - women merely have to decide if they're going to play the game.

As of twenty minutes ago I decided I wasn't going to play the game anymore with someone. Ending the so-called "friendship" isn't really what hurts - its the feeling of not being wanted. The feeling of being tossed away like a piece of garbage - and knowing in the scheme of things that you can be easily replaced. I sometimes wonder if men feel the same say we do - or do they have the mental solace of knowing that there's more women in the world then men - so one way or another, they'll end up with someone.

As for me, I'm aware that opening a door to a past flame in order to mend the gaping sore to my last relationship was a bad idea - I knew it from the moment I sent that facebook request - but dammit, I needed to feel, well, needed. I needed to feel, even for two weeks, that I wasn't completely obsolete. And I guess for those two weeks he served his purpose.

Now I look at my phone, his number promptly deleted, and realize that my relationship lifelines are gone. No one to turn to. No one to distract me. I'm left with my own head - my own doubts - fears - things that only become worse after a series of failed relationship. I, like many women, used to be a naive and happy young woman with a clear mind towards the future. My first relationship ended without any major trauma. It was the dating that followed that the mind-fuckery quickly ensued.

The hardest thing for me about dating, is putting on the poker face and acting like I dont care. What's harder then that? - not caring. Not caring whether a man comes or goes out of your life is the greatest power that a woman can ever possess. Being able to look a man stone in the face, say what you want, mean what you say and have NO FEAR of the outcome is a gift I hope to one day acquire.

Maybe I'm a push over or maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, whatever the reason is I know that things have to change. Problem is, if I did somehow manage to change my tactics and feelings towards dating, would it make any difference? It's a scary thought. Does anything make a difference? Does playing games really get you love? Or is it fate? Karma? Or a lucky mixture of good luck and great timing?

If I had the answers to those questions then I'd be a millionaire and I'd be able to buy love - and yes, it can be bought - Pool Boy, anyone? Until then, I'll continue to tap away on my laptop in bed and dream of a day I can look at a man that I love and not have any fear in my heart. Maybe one day it will happen. Or maybe the world will just explode. I opt for the latter - less painful then a bad breakup!

Cheers!

It's That Time Again

2010-12-29T13:39:00.003-05:00

Being Single and Lonely on New Years.

FAIL.

Being Single and Lonely on New Years, finally mustering up the courage to invite a guy friend out, only to find out he's bringing his gorgeous girlfriend with him.

EPIC FAIL.

The Wonder Years

2010-12-27T18:53:00.000-05:00

It's funny, when you're twenty years old you have such idealistic ideas of what your future is going to be like. When I was in my third year of college I had everything planned out. From the ages of twenty-one to twenty-four I would work as a writers assistant in Los Angeles. By the age of twenty-five I would be working as a staff writer at one of the many TV studios in LA. By twenty-five I also figured I would be living with my loving, live-in boyfriend. We, of course, planned to be married by my thirtieth birthday - to give me time to work on my career - and maybe we'd have our first child by the time I turn thirty-five. From there, I would work as a stay-at-home writer mom while my husband brought home the bacon.

*SNAP*

Whoa. Whoa. Thanks for snapping me out of that. I was almost lost in that happy fantasy world. Oh, how dreaming can be a bitch. Let's rewind shall we?

Upon college graduation in 2006 I did venture out to Los Angeles. I had my sights set on the one thing I wanted more than anything - and I do mean ANYTHING - I was celibate at that time. I wanted to become a Television writer.

On a university sponsored trip I was brought up to the coveted "Writers Room." I don't know what I was expecting when I got there, maybe I was expecting the room to shine like gold and for there to be a Oz-Like man speaking from behind a giant, scary talking head - but what I saw was dissapointing.

It was a large conference table, a dry erase board and about a dozen really tired, depressed looking men. They introduce me to their writers assistant - she's been an assistant for 5 years - fetching coffee, running errands, getting dry cleaning - she's done all this for ONE CHANCE for a permanent writers postition - that is, if the show isn't cancelled first.

Almost in an instant I felt my heart sink...Four years of dreams were over...Now what?

Not having that live-in boyfriend that I had anticipated and having lost my motivation for my original goal, I decided not to take the financial risk and move to Los Angeles. Instead, I took a job at a local Miami production company. It was there that my social life (and dreams) really began to fade. Working 14 hour days with little pay, combined with a two hour commute and little chance of moving ahead in my career started to make me wonder what this "dream" thing is all about. After a couple hard knocks in the business - from a business deal gone horribly bad to almost being sued by a major celebrity (thanks to my blog) I started to wonder if there was any passion left in me.

Then in 2007, the writers strike hit. Overnight I lost my career - what little was left of it - and I was left with the feeling of "What Now?."

I was 23 - a college graduate with a major in communications and psychology. What the hell was I going to do with my life?

Well, I did what many people going through a quarter life crisis do. I ran away and hid. I started working a mundane job only for the paycheck. I moved to get away from the problems that I had only to realize that they would follow me wherever I went.

Fast forward to me now. I'm twenty-sex years old, without a live-in boyfriend (or any BF or that matter), working in Bankruptcy Law (a job which I am INCREDIBLY thankful for in these hard times) and unsure of what I want to dream about.

When people ask you 'What job would you love to wake up and go to everyday?' most people have an answer - they'd say 'work with children' or 'work with animals' or 'be an artist.' I, however, don't have an answer - and really, I haven't had an answer for a long time. Which worries me. I guess in a way I've become spoiled - I've written books, worked on movies, organized big events, worked crazy jobs - I've done so much for a twenty-six year old...yet I still find myself bored.

I suppose in many ways having a stable, loving and long term relationship is the final fronteire for me. It's the one thing in all these years I've never done. But then after the relationship - then what?

Which brings me to the root of why I'm writing this blog. A good friend of mine just got engaged. It was the first person out of my close knit group of friends to get engaged. It made me realize, well, I'm that age. I'm at the age where everyone gets married and pops out a kid. And I suppose I realize that it's only going to get worse.

Of all my cousins I'm the only single one. Among them, only three of us don't have kids. None of us are over the age of 29.

Hello Reality. How I hate you.

See that little facebook status change from "in a relationship" to "engaged" was like a slap in the face to wake me up. I'm not getting any younger, I'm not getting any skinnier and evidently I'm not really getting any nicer.

But that's enough complaining - I just wanted to take a moment to do some writing on here - even if it's only read by 30 strangers tonight. I hope that 2011 turns out to be kick ass year...here's hopin!

Santa Baby

2010-12-23T11:06:00.001-05:00

So in an effort to get over my holiday, post-breakup funk I fought hundreds of children to secure my seat on Santa's knee. Maybe he could bring me what I really want for christmas this year...

Santa: What Would You Like Young Lady?

Me: A kind, affectionate, attractive man who wants a stable, loving relationship with me...

Santa: I'm sorry, sweetie, but he doesn't exist. Now here, have a candy cane.

*FACEPALM*

Suckerpunch

2010-12-22T13:30:00.000-05:00

It's afternoon's like these where I want to curl into a little ball and hide. Suddenly, like a suckerpunch to the stomach, I felt the terrible sting of missing him. I knew that my recent breakup had left a decent sized gash in my heart, but what I didn't realize was that my pathetic attempts to cover the gaping wound with the fleeting affection of a quasi-ex would only make it sting 1000% worse.

In a nutshell, I'm stupid for thinking I can get over someone I love in only 3 weeks. The process takes time, patience and strength. Time I have plenty of, patience not so much and my strength is hanging by a thread.

I anticipate my quasi-ex fleeing the scene anytime soon after he realizes the challenge is gone - it's only a matter of time before I'm left with what I've been really afraid of...myself.

Tick Tick Tick.

It's going to be a long day.

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

2010-12-21T16:00:00.005-05:00

It's common knowledge that in dating there is a double standard when it comes to a persons "number."

If a man has slept with 15 people then we consider him average and don't blink an eye.

If a girl has slept with 15 people then you make sure you have two extra condoms in your back pocket.

In a society that boasts sexual freedom and promiscuity, it's interesting to find that there are still repercussions from declaring your so-called freedom - that is, being labeled that infamous "s" word - that's right, even I've been called it. A Slut.

Slut is a word often thrown around by men to describe a girl who they see as no challenge to get into bed - either she's desperate and jumps into bed too quickly or she's wearing too short of a skirt or too low of a dress. Whichever the case may be, this insulting term has forced many of us women into a peculiar corner - we must sacrifice our hearts to save our...well...you get the idea.

First off, let's say in a typical year a single woman might seriously date 2-3 men (this is conservative). She goes into each relationship thinking this is going to be something special, something long term. They date 3-6 months before he decides "she's not the one." They break up and she starts from scratch. Repeat this process 3x a year, for at least 10 years. If a woman starts having sex at 18 (again, conservative) and has 3 partners a year (I wish) for the next 10 years (if you're lucky) then by the time she's 28 she's been with 30 men. Well, I think I'm thoroughly depressed now.

This is where the concept of recycling comes in.

When you become recently single after a serious relationship you are faced with three choices (a) Become Celibate...heh, you know that path I took... (b) Go back out there and keep dating but risk the sanctity of your "number" (c) Take a Break from Dating and Recycle.

After extensive experience with both options (A) and (B) I've decided to recycle. And after a series of conversations at a recent Christmas party, I'm certainly not the only one.

Five days after my recent breakup I received a text message from a guy from my past. Evidently he was like a vulture, circling my corpse and just getting ready to swoop in. And like the many men before him (and I use the term "men" loosely), he turned out to be an asshole...but there is a silver lining...he's currently single and I have no romantic interest/expectations in him.

Reduce.

Reuse.

Recycle.

Reduce the number of people you sleep with. Reuse the people you've already dated. Recycle your dates and your number doesn't go up.

It's mean. It's morally wrong. And it's pathetic.

But you know what else it is? It's HONEST.

Society has created droves of women who have to choose to become celibate or date and then risk being labeled as a "slut" if they fail to meet Mr. Right before their 25th birthday. I know people complain about America being too focused on morals and Christian values - but I think all of that is a steaming pile of shit. If this country had the moral structure that they advertise there would be no divorce, no deadbeat dads and no Jerry Springer.

I wish we could take a time machine back to the 50's so we could study the men of that era. They could hold down jobs, they supported the family (financially and emotionally) - and they knew how to commit - not need to be committed.

Alas, the 50's are long gone and as we embark on 2011 I can look forward to more short-lived relationships, episodes of Kate plus Eight and the safety of knowing no matter what I can always save the inhabitants of this planet by doing my part - Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

Hells Kitchen

2010-12-21T12:17:00.000-05:00

"You know, it's pretty bad when your relationship can't last longer then a season of Hells Kitchen."

The Art of the Break-Up

2010-12-16T21:28:00.002-05:00

The Art of the Break-Up
Email to friend By Alan Smithee , Anonymous Part One

Some chick wrote a crappy piece on this site called the Art of the Pick-Up. If you haven't had the chance, go to: http://www.campusnut.com/article.cfm?article_id=10. As you can tell by her article, she is clueless. She probably stays home on Sat. nights and passes her time by knitting or baking bread.

The One-Night Stand Break-Up:
Now, the art of the pick-up is not as important as the art of the break-up. After all, it is so easy to pick up women. Yes, you can use your cheesy pick-up line. Heck, if you go to a bar at closing time, you can just approach a girl and tell her, "C'mon. Let's go [point to your watch]. I haven't got all day." You try this on enough girls, and at least one stupid chick will go home with you. The big problem occurs when you wake up the next morning and see her lying there. Rather than wondering how she got there, you should be figuring out how to get rid of this gal. While I have done the whole "It's been fun, have a nice life. Now get the hell out of my bed." speech at least three or four times, it is best to do it like a man. Yeah, she's a skank for sleeping with you. But you don't want to ruin it for yourself in case this skank is available in the future for your dry spells. So what you should do is this. Step One: Make breakfast for both of you. Step Two: Explain to her that you had a great time. It was fun and sweet. Step Three: Tell her that you hope to run into her again in the near future. The key is Step Three. Don't say, "I'll call you." Sometimes, the girl wanted the booty call as much as you so don't make this a freakin' sentimental journey and, for God sakes, don't turn into the Horse Whisperer. Just remind her that this was a one-time thing.

The Casual Date Break-Up:

Now, let's say that you have gone on a few dates. In fact, she stayed for breakfast and lunch after you hooked up. But somehow, she doesn't look as good when you're sober. Plus, she chews with her mouth open, she has cellulite, her laugh is borderline psychotic, or whatever. All you know is that you just cannot stand this girl anymore. Normally, the protocol would dictate that you break up in person. But if you haven't exchanged Christmas gifts and your weekends aren't "couples time," you can do what I do. Email her a break up letter. For your benefit, here's a standard email that you can use.
To: dirtychick@aol.comFrom: hotstud@yahoo.comSubject: I had a great time with you.
Dear XXXX, [preferably you know her name by now]

This is difficult to say. In fact, I should be telling this to you in person but my cell phone died, I forgot to pay my home phone bills, and my car broke down. So I bear this news to you by this email (for that, I am truly, deeply sorry).

I have to let you know that these past weeks [whatever the duration] with you have been wonderful. I just enjoyed getting to know you better and the memories that we shared, especially on the kitchen floor. That'll always be our cherished secret. But now I believe that we're at a crossroads. We should either go our separate ways or pursue a full relationship. And we both know that I am not the right person for you for the long haul.

Believe me, this realization is as tough on me as it must be for you. But deep down inside, you and I both know that this is the right thing to do. I don't want to prevent you from being emotionally available for that lucky guy who is just dying to spend all of his waking moments with you.

Please do not try to get in touch with me as the memory of our time together is still too fresh on my mind. I am liable to break down and want to pursue something that isn't there. So please please do not call me or email me. If you do, I will not pick up the phone. You would only make this more difficult for me. Yes, I'll want to hear your sweet voice or share the special moments together, but we both know that this is for the best.

With fondest memories,

Alan Smithee (for God sakes, use your name)
Girlfriend Break-Up:
As long as you haven't met her parents or she hasn't met yours, you can use the email for even the most serious of relationships. But let's just say that you are now stuck with this girl who spends every freaking moment with you. If she has her tampons in your medicine cabinet, she is no longer a casual date but a serious girlfriend. So here's how you break up with the tampon girl.

In all likelihood, you are going to have to do the whole email thing, but in person. But you have to plan for it in advance. And the best break-up situation is if you can avoid the whole conversation by managing to get dumped. Because if you dump her, you are scum. But if you get dumped, you are the hopeless romantic who got jilted (wink, wink). Plus, this probably means that you are allowed to date other people before she can. And you are entitled to that one last "have a nice life, but let's do it one last time" sex.

To get dumped, you need to develop a two-month strategy. When possible, stop shaving all together. Start farting in her presence. Leave the toilet seat up. Don't brush your teeth at night. Basically, you want to become a total slob. Plus, you want to start showing up an hour or two late for every dinner, make rude comments in front of her friends, etc. Pretty soon, she'll be dying to break up with you.

If you happen to have a psychotic girlfriend who won't leave you despite all of your efforts, you need to do some last ditch efforts. First, nag her about doing a threesome. Usually, that turns them off so much that they'll leave you. Or they might just do it, in which case your girlfriend is a keeper. Second, tell her that you're planning for a new job. Go on fake job interviews. Let her know that your life is moving forward and hint that she has no place in it. Better yet, get a really crappy job even if it's for a week.

Thoughts

2010-12-15T07:09:00.002-05:00

“I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.”

~Unknown

The Boyfriend Checklist

2010-12-13T18:25:00.001-05:00

Funny, I have been waiting all day to log on here and spill my heart out about how much I miss my ex and how this whole "waiting for him to commit" thing is driving me insane. Then I logged onto facebook and saw a status update that a friend recently posted (see below)

My next girlfriend will: a) have no diet restriction (like Andrew Zimmern) b) share dating expenses occasionally.

That's when it hit me. All these years, all this time, I've never made "The List."

Ladies, you know what list I'm talking about. I never sat down and wrote out a "dealbreaker" list. Which is why I've probably put up with more than my fair share of crap in the past. So, while I have the energy and the want is there, let me draft out my list - and if I'm forgetting anything then please feel free to chime in.

My Next Boyfriend:
1. Must Live Alone. No roommates. No parents. No excuses why MY house must become his second home and why I was never allowed to step foot in his bedroom... Hmmm...

2. Must have a job. A Good Job. He has to make enough to take me out for dinner - not lobster, but Denny's isn't doing it.

3. Must not be selfish. This is a tough one, it's like finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

4. Must buy dinner for at least the first 3 dates. Again. Pot of gold.

5. Must initiate "The Talk" within 3 Months - ON HIS OWN.

6. Must like to fish or be willing to fish.

7. Must have sense of humor...or at least understand mine.

8. Must be willing to become a partner in both business and life.

9. Must bring something to the table...and not take away.

10. Must be willing to communicate (text/call/email) at least once every two days.

11. Must enjoy traveling.

12. Must want a serious relationship.

13. Must not have any major inner demons - alcoholism, latent homosexuality, manic depression.

14. Must not have an overbearing mother.

15. Must be open minded.

16. Must be gracious - my love can be bought...for the right price.

Well that's all I can think of right now. It's a little more free writing then a serious column but it's something I just had to get out of my brain.

In other news, I will talk a little more about my recent breakup since everyone (including me) doesn't have the foggiest clue where it came from.

Funny enough, the breakup reminded me of one of the first scenes in 'Legally Blonde' where Reese Witherspoon thinks that her boyfriend, Warren, is going to propose but instead is dumped. Well, yeah, that was me - only I won't be turning into a lawyer to get him back.

Quite simply, the entire mess started when I didn't hear from him for a week. He didn't answer my calls/texts. Nothing. According to every dating book in the world - and common sense - this is inherently BAD. I was hoping for his sake he was lying in a hospital bed somewhere with amnesia. But to his dismay, he was drunk and high off his ass and unable to communicate with anyone including his own brain.

A week later he returns home and finally notices a frantic text I sent him telling him to call me ASAP because it was important. He calls me and tells me that he lost his job the day before. Part of me felt terrible for him, but then the part of me that remembers that he told me he hated his job and wanted to quit started to realize that there's more to the story that he's telling me.

Come to find out that losing his job - or quitting it (I'm still not sure) - sent him into a terrible spiral leaving him with the question of what he wants to do with his life. Does he want to move away and find happiness? Or stay with me and, well, I don't know, I thought he was happy.

I told him to come over later that night to watch Hells Kitchen with me - our regular routine. He comes over with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, proclaiming "You can't break up with a guy who gives you flowers!"

I looked at him. I wasn't too sure about that. But I melted my iciness a bit and took the flowers. He then says he has another gift for me and runs out to the car. He comes in and tells me to turn around - I turn around, listening to the shuffling of a bag, he tells me to look at him.

He's kneeling on one knee. He's beaming. I freeze. My heart is racing. Did he really? Is he finally able to make a commitment?

He pulls a Coconut Meringue pie out from behind his back.

Not funny.

"It's Coconut Meringue...Your Favorite" he says.

"I like Lemon Meringue. But thank you."

I take the pie and swallow my now broken heart. He follows me into the kitchen, proud of his display. As I put the pie into the fridge, analyzing the situation I find myself in, I realize now is the only time to tell him how I feel.

"If I'm going to continue having a relationship with you I need two things from you."

He looks at me, confused.

"I want a commitment - and not a ring on it. A promise that this is going somewhere. And I want you to clean your life up"

He looks at me, a mixture of confused and annoyed.

"I can't deal with this right now - for god sakes I just lost my job yesterday"

"You wanted to quit your job three weeks ago, so you and I know that's nothing to do with it"

The next couple hours was an onslaught of back and forth arguing that took us nowhere. In the end he tells me he can't make a commitment because he might be moving in a month - and besides he never promised me anything about our relationship being long term.

I was shattered. 5 months of playing house. 5 months of intimacy. 5 months of memories. Everything was for nothing. How could I stay in a relationship that was going to eventually end. I asked him to leave. With a heavy heart, he did.

I havent seen him since that night - the memories of the tears in his eyes are forever etched in my memory. I told him I loved him - his response was nothing. He told me I made him happy, but I knew that I wasn't enough.

It's been 12 days since our fight and I feel like only now is he understanding that I left him. I can't help but shuffle back and forth between feeling guilty and feeling angry. To me it's quite simple, if you love someone and they make you happy then you commit. To him, life is more complicated. I hope one day he becomes the man I need him to be and finds me. Until then he has made me realize I need to add a #17 to my list - Must be a simple man capable of love.

I'll miss you.

Insignificant

2010-12-10T07:23:00.003-05:00

There I was, hair done, makeup did and wearing a sexy dress with stilettos that were making my feet bleed. I walk into the party and my heart sank. 3000 of Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill's finest - dressed in their best dresses, suits with smiles plastered to their faces. I had never seen so many outrageously attractive people in one place in my life.

I milled through the crowd, trying to find the group I was supposed to have come there with, but I had no luck in finding them. I allowed my eyes to move over the men in the room - gorgeous, ridiculously handsome, okay - well not that one, still, seeing all the men huddled in the room made it very clear that there are, in fact, more fish in the sea. But here's the downside - I've never seen so many pretty girls in my life. All of them perfect - beautiful - charming. Never in my life have I felt so small....so insignificant and so...like everyone else.

As I looked at all the men in the room, I then hear 'So which one do you want me to introduce you to?.' I turned around to see my good friend. He was serious. I laughed it off and took a sip of my Sprite - I know, Sprite, that was my FIRST problem. It was as I was scanning around the room for a future prospect that I realized something - it's not that easy.

The odds of love are becoming very clear to me. The odds of finding someone in that room that I'm compatible with on many levels that could eventually lead to that "something more" are slim to none. Sure I'd have an amazing three weeks and probably great sex, but at this point I'm not ready (or wanting) to venture out again and increase my slut number.

It was staring at that crowd that made me miss him and what we had for the first time. It mad me sad, to the core, and made the light inside of me die last night. So after an hour and a half of stumbling through the party, feet and soul in pain, I got into my car to head home.

Thus ends a night that could, in theory, have changed my life. Instead it became a night of self-reflection and realizing, there's so much more to "love" then a great suit, good hair and an attractive smile.

Game On

2010-12-09T14:52:00.003-05:00

Take Notes Ladies ;)

Are You A Player?:
How To Manipulate Men: Mind Games For Bad Girls

Frostbite

2010-12-09T08:07:00.001-05:00

"I hope he loses his penis to frostbite - it's not like he used it that much anyways"

- Me on my exes upcoming Hiking trip.

1000 Days of Non-Celibacy: The Pussy Strikes Back

2010-12-08T08:45:00.001-05:00

I'd been toying around with the idea of bringing this blog back for a while. It wasn't until about 30 minutes ago that I decided to actually move forward with it. What is it that can cause that switch inside you to flip? What is it that can make you look at the world through a different color of glasses? Some people have life altering moments, near death experiences, losses of loved ones - I, on the other hand, have just had enough.

6 years of on and off dating, leaving me with nothing but a low bank account, nearly maxed out credit cards and a heart that's barely beating has brought me to the point where I just think to myself....fuck it.

Of course, I, like many other girls, thought I had met the man/men that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Each one of them was "different" and "not like the others" but after a matter of months their differences melted away to reveal their all too similiar interiors.

I guess you're all wondering what this is all about though, why all of a sudden did I decide that I've had enough - I mean really, clearly after 6 years of fuck-ups THAT should have been enough.

Well let's see. I just stumbled onto a webpage of my recent ex (recent of only 5 days) and discovered that for the past 5 months I've been nothing less then a toy to be played with while he plans to leave me behind - for forever. Like a fool, here I am thinking that he loves me while all the while he's been using me as a way to pass the time.

This, my friends, has to change. Unfortunately, what cannot change is the people that you meet - you cannot turn someone into less of an asshole (contrary to what some might believe) but you can change yourself. And that is what I'm going to do. The first step to change is recognizing that there's a problem - and the problem is me.

From this point on I cannot no longer be the kind, loving and honest girl that I wanted to be. Kind, loving and honest gets you broke, dumped and unhappy. I'd rather be mean, calculating and cold - at least then I'll get some free dinners out of it.

The days of innocence are lost. I'm not 22 anymore looking for Mr. Right. I'm now 26 and looking for Mr. Right Now.

Thus is the end to an era. Let the games begin.

Lease to Own?

2010-12-05T13:41:00.000-05:00

It's days like these I don't have the will or want to do anything. I sat on the couch, watching the beauty that is a shirtless Brad Pitt in 'Troy' hoping that it would snap me out of my post-break-up funk and sadly it didn't do any good. I look around my house and see nothing short of a mess, pretty soon my friends will be staging an intervention and calling the producers of 'Hoarders' to give me a stern talking to.

I know it's just a breakup and it's not the end of the world, but after 4 months of being genuinely happy and thinking that I found the man I wanted to spend my life with, finding out that I was little more then a "Boredom Buddy" has sent me back into my celibate, angry tailspin.

Everything I watch, everything I do reminds me of him. Unfortunately I havent been able to sleep in my bedroom for a week since I cant stand the sight of my bed. I've thrown out the photos, I've deleted his number, I've removed his pics from facebook - but his face is still etched in my memory. It makes me wonder what the hell people do after breaking up from a four year relationship...dear god...I would be celibate, well, for forever.

I'm trying my best to cope with the situation, trying to distract myself, though even though I distract myself I'm becoming more and more aware that everything I'm doing is just that - a distraction.

I guess what makes things worse is that this wasn't an official breakup - and it didn't come from him - it came from me. Which makes absolutely no sense, right? I think breakups just might be worse if you still have hope that they can come back as prince charming - which is me right now.

I left him because I wanted a commitment - not a ring - just a exclamation of his intentions - he couldn't give me that but in turn said he thinks he's going to move and that our relationship wasn't meant to be "serious" or "longterm"

Oh really? 5 Months isn't serious or long term? Um, then sleeping at my house every weekend, meeting my parents and calling my dwelling "Home" isn't considered serious? I guess I've been out of the dating game longer than I thought...Bullshit!

I think the worst part about breakups, besides that terrible panic-attacky stomach thing, is that feeling of utter boredom and loniliness that you feel. After a breakup you're like - well, fuck - now what? I've spent months/years/decades with someone and now they're gone - you have so much time to fill and now you've got no one and nothing to do with it.

Sure there are lots of things I can do, lots of hobbies I can take up and distractions I can try - but after 6 years of on and off drama, could it be I've ran out of distractions?

I've started social groups, ran businesses, went skydiving, went white water rafting, learned pole dancing, learned cake decorating - I've pretty much done it all - well, almost all, except finding that elusive "Love" thing. I'm starting to think that I've almost backed myself into a corner of doing too much to distract myself.

Which leads to the question of...What Now?

What does a girl who writes books about her love life, run a dating business and help others in dating do when her life happens to dive into the shitter? Funny enough that's half of a metaphorical question and half serious - really, what should I do?

The more and more I date, the more and more I realize what a crock of shit "dating" really is. Dating really is a polite word for "renting" . Well let's say that some of us are rented (one night stands) and some of us are leased (1 year relationships). In dating, sometimes I feel like women are being leased and once they've hit too much mileage they're traded in for a newer model.

I guess one day I can only hope that I find a man that likes (and appreciates) what he has and that has grown out of that urge to constantly upgrade for a newer, more exciting model. Until then, however, time to work on the rear end and headlights, it's gonna be a looooong winter.

Cheers.

Merry Dickmas

2010-12-03T09:01:00.000-05:00

"If there's one plus side of breaking up before Christmas, at least I didn't have to buy him that expensive present I had in mind...new dress for meeeeeee!"

The Great "Relationship" Debate

2010-11-24T09:14:00.004-05:00

I received a text message the other dear from a dear friend saying "Erin, is there a difference between Dating exclusively and being boyfriend and girlfriend?"

That question got my brain churning.

In my dating span I've heard many variations of this question -- does being exclusive mean you're in a relationship? Does exclusivity mean a commitment? When do you go from "just dating" to "in a relationship"?

To my dismay, all of the questions listed above have no real answer. I will, however, shine some light on my point of view and the point of view of others. First, let's define the word "Dating."

Dating:
Of a couple, to be in the early stages of a relationship where they go out on dates to find out what each other is like, as a prelude to actually being a fully fledged couple.

I think we all agree that "Dating" is that uncertain stage where two people enjoy each other's company and try to figure out if there is potential for a relationship there. After a couple of dates, that's where the lines get blurry...When/How do you make the transition from "Dating" to "Exclusivity?"

Exclusive:
The state of being in a relationship with someone where you are officially boyfriend and girlfriend, and there is no-one else involved. Usually attained after going on a couple of good dates with someone.

In my experience, I see many people refrain from becoming a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" out of a fear of being locked down, instead they prefer to be "exclusively dating." This concept confuses me, however, because by becoming exclusive with someone you are in a way locking yourself down from meeting others, only there is no label attached to it.

The question really is, when do two people know if they are Boyfriend and Girlfriend - is it assumed after months of exclusive dating? Is there a talk? Again, let's see the actual definition of what it means to be a "Boyfriend" and "Girlfriend."

Boyfriend:
A male whom a female begins a relationship with. He is not essential to making the female a better person, but more so a person she can depend on for emotional support, sexual comfort, or life lessons.

Girlfriend:
The female in a male-female romantic relationship. She provides love and emotional support for her boyfriend and is loved the same way in return. The girlfriend is also a friend, and thus is loved and respected on that level of relationship.

Though I've heard variations in the past, I think that most women will agree that if you are exclusively dating a man and having sex with him on a fairly consistent basis then you are assuming that you are in a form of a relationship. Again, there are many forms of relationships - new, budding, old, committed, serious, troubled - everyone has their own definition for what their's is.

Relationship
1. any type of connection that brings two individuals together for a period of time
2. something other than a friends with benefits
3. more than a mutual understanding!!

Now that we've examined about every definition associated with a relationship that I can find on Urbandictionary.com I've come up with one conclusion.

People are going to do whatever they want to do.

Relationship. Dating. Fuck Buddy. Friends with Benefits. Friends. Boyfriend. Girlfriend.

There is so much gray area in dating that no one can predict what another person is thinking --- which is why every year millions of books are sold on this same topic. The only advice that I can give is use your gut - if something doesn't fee right, then it probably isn't - but make sure it's really your gut and not paranoia - those come from two different places.

To answer my friends question though, I personally believe that to be exclusive means that you're in a relationship and yes, boyfriend and girlfriend can be used. However, on the flipside, just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean it's long term - so buyer beware!

Cheers!

Have a Great Thanksgiving, Master Daters!

Mean Girls of Suburbia

2010-11-19T15:03:00.001-05:00

Nothing bothers me more than being deleted from Facebook. Wait. Let me correct that. Nothing bothers me more then being deleted from Facebook AND I find out that you're talking shit. Let me explain.

Growing up, I never was one of the "popular" kids. I was incredibly shy, awkward and a loner. And I was celibate? No.....

But really, growing up I was never one of the "cool" kids. I never worried about what I had to say, what I had to do, how I had to dress. I never had to worry because quite frankly, in the scheme of things, no one really cared what I did. I blended in with the woodwork until that woodwork quickly dissintegrated.

By my mid-twenties things started to change for me. I gained a little weight and got some boobs - that in addition to a change of scenery and some bleach blonde hair helped me gain more confidence. With more confidence came more charisma and then...popularity?

For the first time in my life I found myself surrounded by people who gave a damn if I was at a party. I got invites to private social events. Hell, people even knew who I was before I introduced myself. To a self-proclaimed former dork, it was a really cool feeling. That is, until the flip side arose. And yes, there is a flip side.

With Popularity comes Drama. Unfortunately, Drama and me don't normally see eye to eye. You see, my drama was served like it normally is...In the form of attempted relationship gone terribly, terribly wrong...

Mr. Drama and I went on only three dates. Problem is, he neglected to tell me he was still married and not really in a process of divorce. Ooops! But you see, he did manage to tell EVERYONE ELSE that he was married. Which is where my problems began.

As expected, we decided to stop seeing each other, which was mutual. What I did not see coming was that "flip side" I was talking about.

With Popularity comes Drama which leads to Gossip.

Oh gossip, how I hate you. Like a teenage girl finding out her best friend kissed her crush, I cried when I found out that rumors were being spread calling me a "home-wrecker" and "whore." Funny, I've never heard of a celibate whore - that's actually a good one!

Ironically, the girl calling me a homewrecker soon dated that same man. I guess she was a better one than I. In the months that followed the rumors came and went, friendships rose and dwindled. The only thing that stayed steady was my wanting to break some other girl's legs. I suppose that brings me to where I am now.

I'm now seeing acquaintances, people that I didn't even consider friends, sucked into this vortex of gossip. It's been nearly two years later. My other friends reassure me it's just petty jealousy -- I have a great boyfriend, a good job, a Speedating business, Book...whatever... but no matter what age you are, whether it be 13 or 26 it still hurts to feel hated. Funny enough, with the blog, I wore it as a badge of honor to be hated. To be hated in entertainment means you're successful. To be hated in real life means someone is going to run you over with a bus.

Thus is life I suppose, one day you're a wallflower in High School and the next day you're a Desperate Wanna-Be Housewife in Suburbia.

Oh well. If I'm going to be hated anyways, I better be investing in a Bus and getting ready to do some driving.

Cheers Bitches!

5 Signs Your Date Can’t Commit

2010-11-19T08:36:00.001-05:00

At first, everything was going great: your date was attentive, caring, and voiced multiple mentions of the “f” word — future. But just as you let your guard down and began allowing yourself to think, maybe this is it, something shifted. Suddenly, your sweetie is hedging about booking that trip for next spring, or even about whether you two should be seeing each other exclusively. What gives? The sad truth is, you’ve been duped by a closet commitment-phobe: someone whothinks he or she is raring for a relationship, but never seems to be able to cross the exclusivity finish line. Could you have avoided the pain of falling for a person incapable of truly loving you back? Yes. Allow us to share the signs that someone, despite visible attempts to appear emotionally available, is actually the owner of a heart that’s closed for business.

Sign #1: Your date has a life — and isn’t letting you into it
Sure, she says she wishes she could spend Saturday with you rather than volunteering at the local animal shelter. Or he says he can’t wait for work to let up so you two can spend more quality time together. No problem, right? This person’s got a life, after all, and that’s not something you should take personally. But Tom, 32, now knows that there are limits to what you should put up with. “I knew Beth had a busy schedule when we met,” the Baltimore attorney insists. “She was a single mom of two girls, had a demanding job, did volunteer work and bowled once a week.” He thought the longer the two of them dated, the looser her schedule would become — “or, at least, that she’d include me in the bowling,” Tom says ruefully. However, nothing changed. Beth continued being “sorry” there wasn’t enough time for him in her life right up until the night she dumped him because — hello! — her life was too full to include a boyfriend. The moral of the story? If the relationship has become somewhat established and a partner still can’t make you a priority, that sends a clear message: you can stand at the doorway of this date’s life, but you can’t walk in.

Sign #2: Your date’s falling for you too fast
It’s fun to feel someone new is really into you. Still, having a brand-new prospect gush about how wonderful you are before you’ve even ordered dessert on your first date is a little suspect. After all, the two of you are practically strangers. How can he or she know what makes you wonderful yet? More likely, this person’s ardor is being fueled by a love of the chase rather than by you in particular — and once you’re caught, you may see interest waning just as Jean, 24, did. “Tim took me on a romantic weekend to Martha’s Vineyard two weeks after we met,” recalls the Connecticut school teacher. “He kept talking about how he wanted to be with me forever. It sounded like heaven.”

You know the coda to this saga: as soon as Jean began reciprocating her beau’s ardor, his need for her cooled. “I should have listened to my gut,” Jean laments. “But I wanted to believe he was going all out for me because I was special, not just another conquest.” But the bottom line is, when it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Sign #3: Your date’s falling for you... but there’s a catch
When someone admits to having strong feelings for you, it’s understandable to feel like your insides have turned to mush. Only, in that state, your gut instincts might not pick up on what else your date might be saying when delivering this sweet declaration. Ron, 29, was a victim of this sort of selective listening. “Brenda and I felt a strong attraction right off the bat,” says the New Orleans-based publicist. “She’d say stuff like, ‘I didn’t expect to fall for someone so soon after my divorce.’” Understandably, Ron chose to focus on the first part of her statement (she’s falling for him) versus the latter (given the ink’s barely dry on her divorce papers, she’s probably not ready for a relationship yet). It took some time for the less savory part of the statement to actually sink in. “Even though she kept saying I was wonderful, the bottom line was, she just wasn’t in a psychological place to deal with a relationship,” Ron says. “And I’d have seen that if I hadn’t had blinders on.” In other words, Ron learned the hard way what we hope you will not: that we have to pay attention to the whole message our beloved is sending, not just the part we want to hear.

Sign #4: Your date’s story contains inconsistencies
There’s a reason why cops grill crime suspects over and over, and then compare and contrast what’s said one minute to the next. That’s because these tiny inconsistencies are signs of a cover-up — and this pertains to the lines your date uses on you as well. No, we’re not saying you should give your sweetie the third degree, but any conflicting messages should be duly noted. Debbi, a 27-year-old Boston-based interior designer, struggled for months with a date who was “the king of mixed signals,” she says. “He’d tell me he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to live with someone because he’s used to his own lifestyle. Then he’d follow that statement by asking if I could break my lease and move in with him!” What’s more, Keith was indecisive in other areas of his life, constantly changing his mind about the sofa he wanted to purchase; then once he sprang for it, he came down with buyer’s remorse and yearned for the couch he hadn’t chosen. The bottom line: changeability and indecisiveness doesn’t bode well for a stable romantic future. “Keith couldn’t even pick a spot for us to go on our first date,” Debbi admits. “How I wish I’d been wise enough to make it our last!”

Sign #5: Your date’s all talk and no walk
Closet commitment-phobes give great lip service to the idea that they want a relationship, and it can be easy to trust they’ll put their words into action. But the longer that takes to happen — or, worse, if it doesn’t happen at all — the only thing you should trust is your instinct to get out of there! Lisa, 32, knows this all too well now. “I dated a guy for three years,” she says. “Throughout the relationship, he indicated marriage and children were in our future. But each time I tried to nudge the relationship forward, he backpedaled.” Looking back, the Denver ski instructor realizes that her boyfriend never backed up his promises. For example, while continuing to insist one day he’d invite Lisa to move in, he never actually gave her a key to his condo. It’s easy to be seduced by pretty words, but unless there’s follow-through in the end, you’re left with nothing to hold onto but an empty promise.

So those are the warning signs of a commitment-phobe to watch for… consider yourself warned and well-armed to avoid the next one that crosses your path.

This article was written by Sherry Amatenstein who is the author of Love Lessons from Bad Breakups.

Adventures of a Master Dater: Scientific Study: Women May Not Be So Picky After ...

2010-11-18T07:56:00.000-05:00

In case you havent seen my latest venture...

Adventures of a Master Dater: Scientific Study: Women May Not Be So Picky After ...: "When women were assigned to the traditionally male role of approaching potential romantic partners, they were not any pickier than men in c..."

Hello, Happiness? Yes, I Don't Believe We've Met...

2010-10-12T20:02:00.001-04:00

It was today that it occurred to me that I might actually be, well, happy.

Today isn't unlike any other day I've had in the past three months. I still have a job that kicks my ass, a dog that drags dead squirrel carcuses into the house every moment he can and friendships that are hit or miss -- but for the first time in a long time I realized that I'm very happy.

I know, happiness is boring, isnt it?

I was talking to my friend today about dating, she was telling me how she was tired of the disappointment and of getting hurt and how she just wanted to stop playing the game for a while. Then she asked about my boyfriend.

For the first time in a long time, I felt truly thankful.

I won't lie, for the past couple of months I've been very protective and secretive of our budding relationship. Even still I don't like to advertise, as things always have the possibility of changing, but the point is that this was the first time I have listened to a friend talk about dating and stood on the OTHER end.

On October 30th it will be three months that we've been dating. I won't lie, part of my is a little nervous, knowing that for many men 3 months is a big deal - and a breaking point. Part of me wonders if anything will change, while the other part of me is thankful that he's probably oblivious.

There's so much to being in a relationship that is unknown to me. I don't know what's normal - I don't know what's unusual - I just know that for the first time in my life there's silence...a good silence. A silence that comes from security...and maybe even...love?

That's to be seen, what I do know is that I think those past years of love, sorrow and utter heartbreak have taught me one big lesson: Appreciate what you have when you have it, and try not to let a good thing go.

That being said, I have to go dig a dead squirrel carcass out from under my bed.

What? I told you, life's not perfect...

Retail, Schmetail (A Vintage Blog)

2010-10-06T11:20:00.001-04:00

So I just got back from my 12th Job interview this week. Ok I lied. It was my 7 interview. But still pretty sad, isn't it.
Now since I've been looking for work the past three months I've grown quite accustomed to taking the "employee screening tests" --- that is, until I took the test for 'Chili's BBQ and Grill.'

My god. And I'm a college graduate.

Though, I was a film student...

Today started out rather strange though --- come to find out the full time lofty job I had been gunning for was ripped out of my hands because my main contact got fired ie quit. Either way, 1000 days realized if she doesn't find a job in the next two weeks, she would have to resort to a job that would ruin the whole "celibacy" thing.

Cough cough. Hint hint.

So yeah, safe to say I realized I was severely fucked.

And since Office Depot can't decide whether they want to give me a start date or not, it occurred to me that maybe I should sell my soul to food service.

And So I did.

And god help me.

I sat at Chilis for about an hour, waiting for someone to give me an application. About 45 minutes later someone actually picked it up. Funny, about as long as it took me to get my burger last time I was there. Kidding. It was an hour.

So actually a grueling interview that consisted of "when I'm available" they handed me my employment exam.

Now when they say exam, you expect basic questions like "do you get urges to kill people..." or "do you enjoy killing small animals for pleasure" ---- you know, all the answers you lie to and say no.

Anyways, I expected a test that I was going to lie on which would basically report to them that I was the happiest, well balanced wanna-be waitress they would ever find.

Then I looked at the exam. It was the friggin SATS.

Math. Vocabulary. Reading Comprehension.

I looked over my shoulder to make sure this wasnt some sort of joke, maybe my high school teacher was behind me --- I've seen him eating there a couple times, it's not too far of a possibility.

Sadly no. It's no joke. This really is the exam. To be a hostess.

At least with a hostess job I could see some geometry --- the angle that the mile long line is forming around me...

And I swear to you, my loyal readers, I have not done this type of math since High School. And without a calculator. You bastards, you made me use my brain.

You know what the saddest part about this test was? Not the fact that I'm a 22 yr old college graduate who's struggling to multiply decimals. But the fact that these examinations are given to people in jobs that are supposed to be unimportant ---- but jobs with substance --- no test. Nada.

What does that say about the world?

My college education blows.

So luckily, after a very painful 45 minutes I passed the test. I don't know by how much, but I bet I only passed because I'm wearing a low shirt today. Either way, I go for my final interview tomorrow and then --- Hostess!!

Yay!

Time for round two.

I just hope there's no pop quizzes.

Absence

2010-09-17T11:32:00.000-04:00

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Or just more paranoid?

Happiness

2010-09-03T17:10:00.000-04:00

Could it be that happiness can just be...silence?

Sleepwalker

2010-08-30T09:51:00.001-04:00

I can't turn this around
I keep running into walls that I can't break down
I said I just wander around
With my eyes wide shut because of you
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker

The Only Exception

2010-08-09T08:32:00.002-04:00

Closer

2010-07-28T08:28:00.000-04:00

Why is it that the closer you get to something that you thought you really wanted, the scarier it really seems to get....?

OBGYN Random Ass Quote of the Day

2010-07-26T18:17:00.000-04:00

OBGYN: "Oh My, You Have an Angry Vagina"

ME: You have no idea.

Poker Face

2010-07-15T09:19:00.000-04:00

‎

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and
leaves before she is left."

- Marilyn Monroe

It's a Circus

2010-07-12T13:26:00.000-04:00

"Sometimes you feel that there are so many elephants in the room

that you might as well be in the damn circus..."

Oh to Be Gay

2010-07-09T09:17:00.000-04:00

"sometimes i wish i was a gay guy...that way i could be a guy...and still get the penis"

Quote of the Day

2010-07-08T15:58:00.000-04:00

"Yeah, I'm tired of Dating. It's Boy Meets Girl. Boy Woos Girl. Boy Freaks Out. Boy Dumps Girl. Boy Marries Barwhore. Can't we just skip to the part where you dump me and say you're not ready for a commitment? Thank you, that is all."

Game Changer

2010-07-05T19:40:00.002-04:00

In every game there is a play that changes the outcome of the entire game. I've just made that play and the rules have changed.

Game on.

Whataya Want From Me?

2010-07-03T12:29:00.000-04:00

Change of Direction

2010-07-03T11:48:00.002-04:00

I read a quote once that said "When you're fired, it's god's way of telling you that you're going in the wrong direction."

Well, I hope that the saying can be applied to dating as well.

In less than three months I have been dumped by three men I *thought* to be suitable candidates for the position of Mr. Possibility. I suppose God is trying to tell me something.

After each breakup I cried for a day, pushed my feelings aside and moved on to the next disaster. Each one getting closer to what I want, but ending even worse than the first. The first one putting me in the "emotional tampon, perpetual friend zone," the second one "didnt feel *it* anymore after the 4th date and the latest "didn't feel what he should" after the 6th date.

Like many women, after every failed attempt at dating someone I go back to the drawing board and analyze what I may have done wrong. Did I move too fast? Did I say something wrong? That's the interesting thing about dating - when things go wrong, women tend to take the blame, whilst most men will cop it up to "just not working out." As women we think we can make it work, while many men don't even want to try.

I didn't realize how fragile of a place I'm in until last night. I attended an Adam Lambert concert with a friend and when he was in the middle of singing 'What Do You Want From Me?' I found tears streaming down my face. Not exactly anything I wanted to display to the public as I dashed into the ladies room.

I was hoping that sleeping off my dating disspointment and a couple hours of sun exposure would help me to wake up today in a more chipper mood. But alas, as I entered my local Kroger grocery store, a flood of feelings overcame me and I slipped on my sunglasses to cover my eyes that began to well with tears.

I just couldnt stop thinking about the guy I recently dated. How I hadn't felt for someone like that since the infamous Mr. Professor. I was starting to think he could have been the love of my life. Unfortunately, as I soon came to find out, he didn't feel the same.

I think what kills me though, is that idea that he dated two married women for 6 months yet he couldn't stay with me for longer than 2 weeks. Of course he claims he didn't know they were married - and that they broke his heart when he found out. He even told me that one of them "wanted to have his child." Which gentlemen, is never something you should tell a woman you care about - that still continues to bother me.

The cycle of "what did I do?" and "why wasn't I good enough?" continues to haunt me to this day. Unfortunately, I know many a woman who does through the same devastating thought process. Through countless Mr. Possibilities, breakups, dates, quasi-boyfriends, when a relationship ends I see it as a failure rather than a signal pointing me to another direction. And before I get negative comments regarding me needing therapy, let me clarify that yes I'm getting it, so unless you are a certified psychoanalyst (which ironically, the last guy was - go figure) please refrain from offering any legitimate advice.

I guess what's really killing me now is the feeling of having no control. I'm starting to think that I was used for a booty call - and even worse, it wasn't event that good to begin with.

When I got home from the grocery store this morning I just sat in my driveway looking at my phone. Though I had deleted his number, I still had a backup copy in my drafts folder. I knew I could easily text him and ask "Was I Just a Bootycall to You?' and if he did respond back, it would be some cliche dribble about just "not having feelings for me anymore and blah blah blah." I really sat there and thought about it. In fact, as I sit here pounding out this blog I still think about it. I think the only thing that is stopping me, besides the terrible fear of getting rejected AGAIN, is that I don't want to give him the pleasure. I don't want to give him the pleasure of contacting him and making him feel that he won.

And yes, there is a good chance that he will be reading this blog in the next couple of days, but I don't care. He's not the first man I've been with and he certainly won't be the last.

I've honestly grown very tired of being used like a kleenex to wipe up people's emotional problems, then tossed aside when something better comes along or their ego has been fully restored. In the case of Mr. Limpy - oh yeah, I said it - in a couple months he will become nothing more than a faint memory and another notch on my post-celibacy bedpost.

It's times like these I really start to question if there is someone out there for me - or hell, if there's someone with staying power longer than 3 weeks. Every time I prepare to throw in the towel and switch teams, a sliver of hope emerges.

Let's pray I see some hope soon...

I think someone is pushing me in a whole new direction.

Deterioration

2010-07-01T11:40:00.001-04:00

No. But I put it in mine.

Pity, it's amazing how a great mind can deteriorate so quickly...

For Rent

2010-06-28T17:02:00.000-04:00

"Sometimes in dating, don't you just feel like you're just a rental?"

Defiance

2010-06-23T09:04:00.000-04:00

To Mr. Possibility,

Thank You For Continuing to Defy my Expectations...

Ode to the Nice Girls

2010-05-28T14:08:00.000-04:00

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

By: Jessica Leigh Griffin

Stubbornly Single

2010-05-27T04:20:00.001-04:00

So here I am, it's 3:59 AM and I'm sitting in my home office, buzzed out of my mind off of the double mocha latte I had at 11 PM. Normally having a huge Mocha Latte at Cheesecake Factory at 11 PM is not advised, but tonight was special. Tonight was Sex and the City 2 night, and I, like the other droves of women and teenaged girls flocked to the theater for a chance to forget about our everyday, boring, less-fabulous lives.

The last time I clammoured to see the first Sex and the City movie I was fresh out of a breakup - still holding onto the idea what the one I lost would turn out to be the 'Mr. Big' of my life - of course, in reality, he turned out to be nothing more than 'Mr. Big Dissapointment.' But I digress, back to the love and fabulous-ness.

Despite a couple weeks of anticipation, I actually was doubting whether I should see this movie tonight. Being that I'm not really feeling that fabulous at the moment (thanks PMS and 5lbs of weight gain) and am recently single (thanks guy who dissipated after third date) I wasn't exactly in the mood to bask in others happiness.

Lucky for me the movie hit home in me for something more than outfits, sex and fabulous-ness.

Watching this movie made me realize a lot of things about myself - a lot of things I guess I kind of just shrugged aside and thought I would grow out of or things I thought were just a phase. In a nutshell, Carrie starts to fear the feelings of boredom that she feels - lack of excitement or "sparkle" - and she starts to look for it elsewhere. She starts to want to be single again.

And that's how I start to feel. Every time I begin a relationship.

I started to realize that as much as I want a healthy, loving relationship, I really want my independence more. It's like a battle between my head and my heart. I want to be kissed, loved and held - then he leaves, comes back in a couple days and repeats the process. I want someone who can take me out, take me on an adventure and then turn around and be a homebody when I'm too lazy to leave my couch.

Like many girls I'm sure, I started seeing a lot of myself in Carrie's character.

I fear the normal. I fear the boring. I was in a normal, boring and safe relationship for 2 years...and I couldn't have been more miserable...

So I guess the question is...what's worse...being in a relationship where you're bored and unhappy (but with someone)? Or being single (alone) but free to do what you choose?

For some it's a easy choice, but for me, well, given my track record, I'm not having a hard time figuring out where I stand.

It's interesting that after 5 years I'm finally starting to come to terms with my erratic feelings of independence that clash with my desire for love and affection. Alas, it only took a 2 1/2 hour long movie and seeing your friends getting married and pregnant all around me to make me start thinking about the future. Single, Not Single, I don't think it matters anymore - I think the only thing that matters in the end is if you're happy, and well, that's something I'm still trying to figure out.

I will say this though, it's 4:18 AM, and if I don't get to sleep, I can guarantee you I will not be a happy girl tomorrow. So cheers!

You're Not Gonna Break Me

2010-05-11T19:43:00.002-04:00

In Avanti

2010-04-12T13:45:00.002-04:00

So I think the most gratifying experience of being a writer (even an angry, celibate one) is when you inadvertingly influence the art of another. My dear friend and artistic partner in crime, Alexx Calise, just released her much anticipated second album and it is simply amazing. And you know what the coolest part is? She told me that one of my blogs gave her some creative inspiration for one of her songs. How fucking awesome is that?!

Wow, it feels like only yesterday we were downing jack and cokes, bitching about men, and now she's a kick ass musician in LA...Sigh, if only bloggers could live that life ;)

Anyways, Alexx's new album is fan-fucking-tastic, and if you like this blog then you will LOVE this album.

That being said, Alexx's new album ' In Avanti' has my official stamp of approval and it contains about 5 songs I will be screaming at the top of my lungs for the next couple months.

Cheers!

Good Friday

2010-04-02T12:11:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna get hurt. But god, right now it feels so good.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Please let this one be different.

Batman

2010-04-01T14:55:00.000-04:00

Soulmates

2010-03-31T11:45:00.000-04:00

Me on Soulmates - Quote of the Day:

"Oh sure, I believe everyone has a soulmate. In my case I think my soulmate probably knocked up a barwhore then got hit by a bus while he was on his predestined path to meet me...What can ya do? Shit Happens!"

You Belong With Me

2010-03-30T23:02:00.002-04:00

Have you ever known that something was a bad idea but just decided to go along for the ride anyways?

Well welcome to my dating life.

I've been hiding in what I call an emotional cocoon for the past six months. Very little dating. Very little flirting. And did I mention no sex? Yeah, that part kind of sucks. I've not been NOT trying to have sex, I mean, if I meet someone and he can remember my name after two dates then maybe there's potential, but for whatever reason, no guys have come into my scope.

Well, that is, until recently.

I had stopped writing on here about the men I was seeing/interested in/in love with for fear of them easedropping on my life and my innermost feelings. However, since I think my newest love interest isnt that into me and probably lacking the time to probe into my life, I feel that it might be safe for me to write a little something about what I'm going through.

I met my newest crush in January of this year. To the confusion of my friends, there's nothing overtly amazing to him. He appears to be a regular guy --- not tall, not short, not fat, not skinny. What struck me first, besides his adorable butt (yes, girls look) were his eyes. He had such kind light eyes but there was something about them that seemed so sad - so full of pain.

And of course when a girl finds a guy full of pain, the first thing we want to do is heal the wound and take it away. Thus my attraction began to grow.

Over the next couple weeks we began hanging out as friends and I soon found out the source of the pain in those eyes. He recently lost someone very close to him in a terrible accident, and a cheating girlfriend didn't help the situation. He reveals to me that he doesnt really know what he wants out of life and how he doesnt even know if he ever wants to settle down.

That's when I felt my hopeful little heart sink into my stomach. A man who doesn't know what he wants, certainly doesn't want me. I must admit, that night after his "revelation" I had initally chopped it up to him having one too many beers and he was just giving me a gentle warning.

Little did I know, he was very serious.

Now because this is a public blog and there are chances that anything that I write on here can come back and bite me in the ass, I will skip ahead to where me and this gentleman are now.

I am stuck in the friend zone. I am so stuck in the friend zone I might as well pack away my vagina and save it for a rainy day. I'm in the friend zone, I know it and I feel for him in a way I havent felt for someone in a long time.

In a nutshell, I am so screwed.

But unlike my past experiences, I know that he cannot be the be-all, end-all in my life. I will continue to date, I will continue to accept free dinners and allow myself to be hit on by creepy 40 yr old men. It's just while I date, while I get dinners and get hit on, I'll know that there's a place in my heart that wishes I could have met him at a different time - in a different place - maybe in a different and hotter body...but alas...that is life.

I think the worst part though, about being in the "friend-zone" is that feeling of dread knowing that one day he's going to snap out of whatever funk he's in and wake up and then BOOM he ends up with the next girl he dates. All the while, you've been there, waiting, and he'll never see it or care.

And that makes you the fool.

Gotta love the dating game...

Cheers.

Meetup.com

2010-03-28T16:21:00.000-04:00

My Book, My Cake Decorating Teacher and I made the Meetup.com homepage!

Back in the Saddle Again

2010-03-21T21:01:00.000-04:00

I must say, I don't get that deja vu' feeling too much but at the moment as I'm sprawled out on my couch with my laptop in my lap I'm starting to get that feeling creeping back in.

Isn't it strange that you can look back on yourself two years ago and think...well damn, I'm right back where I started. Though, if there is something positive about that statement, even though I havent exactly met the man of my dreams - at least I'm not in utter agony.

I am in a state of, well, just being.

I do currently have feelings for someone who is completely and utterly emotionally unavailable and for the most part disinterested. The panically feelings of "omg, will he call?!" have been replaced by "well, if he likes me he'll call...If not, fuck him."

Instead of worrying about finding love I worry about maintaining my bank account and my back yard.

I've replaced sex with landscaping and love with a credit card. No, money cant buy me love, but it can buy me a swimming pool and a patio deck.

My logic on dating now is simple. Simplicity is key. If he likes you, he'll make the effort. Taaadaaa. Now it is very likely that my logic is wrong, yes, but I'll let you know next year if I've made a miscalculation. In the meantime I've opted to take a break from dating to focus on me, my new book and well, living my own life - sex (and drama) free... Well, until the next viable entity comes along, but given the supply of wine in my closet and the balance on my card, I dont think I'll be paying much attention.

Though, as I sit here, not really wanting to sign off just yet because I am laying on the couch alone on a Sunday night - I cant help but still find myself pining for my new impossible love interest. My guy friend said it best - "You only want him because he doesn't want you."

Hmmm.

Technically I wanted him BEFORE I found out he was emotionally destroyed, but still the idea of catching that elusive emotionally detached man is alluring - and dangerous. But that's the thing, we like the danger, we feed on the danger.

That's the thing, right now, I need that anticipation - it's like a drug. Love, itself, is it's own drug.

That rush of anticipation - does he like me, doesnt he like me - and when he does, oh god it feels so sweet.

Well damn, did I just turn myself on? Ha! Anyways, I'm in that oh so familiar position of wanting something I wont have, but refusing to settle for something I dont want... Which can only mean one thing...

It's time for me to do some online shopping...

Cheers!

You Didn't Deserve Me

2010-02-17T12:33:00.000-05:00

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

- Marilyn Monroe

Control

2010-01-08T23:35:00.000-05:00

"The One Who Loves the Least Controls the Relationship"
- Robert Newton Anthony

Merry Christmas and She's Baaaaaaaaaaaack

2009-12-23T15:25:00.007-05:00

When you move to a new city an amazing thing happens. You start to realize that no one knows who you are. You have no reputation, you have no past -- all you have is a clean slate and nothing but a future that is in your hands.

So leave it to me to bring my muddled past into my bright future.

But you know what, it's okay to look back on your past and learn from the mistakes you've made.

I went through that period where I tried to shrink away into the darkness, trying to forget about who I once was. I tried to forget about my celibate life, I tried to forget the pain, the heartache and the disappointment. I spent hundreds of dollars in therapy (at the suggestion of fans and friends) and countless bottles of Sutter Home later.

Then it suddenly occurred to me that hiding isn't what I needed.

I needed closure. Well, maybe mixed with a little healthy feminine revenge.

And thus the idea for the book 1000 Days of Celibacy: A Race Against the Cockatoo was born.

It is a collection of my best writings, chronicling my dating misadventures and mishaps - combined with some new writings - so personal that I could never post them publicly for fear of ridicule or down right lawsuits.

In the end, this book is dedicated to my Exes, may you consider this your closure...

Fuckers.

Copies of my book can be purchased by clicking here - I will be signing the first 100 Copies, so be quick and don't miss out!

Copies will also be available on Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com starting in late January.

Merry Christmas!!

1000 Days of Celibacy: A Race Against the Cock-atoo

2009-11-22T21:11:00.005-05:00

1000 Days of Celibacy: A Race Against the Cock-atoo

The Official Book Arrives in January 2010!!!

1000 Days of NON-Celibacy

One of Those Days

Simple

Best Of You

Fear

Comfort

Too Little Too Late

Rub a Dub Dub

Nightmare

Snoop

Want

Lose Yourself

The Key

Warning

Classy

Crazy

Expectations

Resentment

Divorce

Post-Breakup Recovery

Surprise! You've Won a One-Way Ticket to Singlesville!

Skydiving Trip for Your BF's Birthday: $200. Romantic Jordan Lake Boat Cruise: $30. The Look on Your BFs face (after he dumps you) when you tell him about his surprise Birthday Party? Priceless. Douche.

Beautiful

Suck-Ness

Scots Are Doin' it Right

Firewire

Bigfoot

Happy

My First Book Signing!

Go Italia!

Balance

Bad Mojo

Epic Second Date Fail

Running Wild

Picket Fence

The Only Thing to Fear

Well Isn't Irony a Bitch

If Ya Can't Beat'em

Psychology Today: Too Much Miscommunication in Your Relationship? A Simple Fix

Erin Go Braugh

If You Don't Love Me Let me Go

Quote of the Night

The Hindsight List

In Dating

Love at First Bite

Too Many Fish in the Sea

Hello Meltdown

I Put the Bad in Bad Girl

Barren

Ah, The Sweet Aroma of a Challenge

I Want You to Want Me

It's That Time Again

The Wonder Years

Santa Baby

Suckerpunch

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

Hells Kitchen

The Art of the Break-Up

Thoughts

The Boyfriend Checklist

Insignificant

Game On

Frostbite

1000 Days of Non-Celibacy: The Pussy Strikes Back

Lease to Own?

Merry Dickmas

The Great "Relationship" Debate

Mean Girls of Suburbia

5 Signs Your Date Can’t Commit

Adventures of a Master Dater: Scientific Study: Women May Not Be So Picky After ...

Hello, Happiness? Yes, I Don't Believe We've Met...

Retail, Schmetail (A Vintage Blog)

Absence

Happiness

Sleepwalker

The Only Exception

Closer

OBGYN Random Ass Quote of the Day

Poker Face

‎

Skydiving Trip for Your BF's Birthday: $200.
Romantic Jordan Lake Boat Cruise: $30.
The Look on Your BFs face (after he dumps you) when you tell him about his surprise Birthday Party? Priceless.

Douche.

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and
leaves before she is left."

"The One Who Loves the Least Controls the Relationship"
- Robert Newton Anthony